...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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