you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
