at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
