I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
