Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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