i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
