Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
