I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
