you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
