So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
