So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
