You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
