Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
