Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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