Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
