OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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