We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
