From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
