discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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