Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
