There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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