wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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