mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
