I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
