You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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