mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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