one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
