when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
