Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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