If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
