She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
