I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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