Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
