careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
