I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
