yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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