she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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