Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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