You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
