Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
being pregnant is like rehab
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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