i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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