Someone shit on the floor
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
two words: eviction party
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Randomize
