My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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