she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
