I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
