My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
