Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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