I am puke
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just blew my weed a kiss
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Randomize
