Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
