i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
whose parrot is this?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
