even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
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I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
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Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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