Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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