I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
